Saturday, February 20, 2010

If four people read this, that will double the number of people who know this guy. (Sweetie's Hunk of the Week, 50)

We've hit the half-century mark on Sweetie's Hunks of The Week. Imagine how great it is for me, to know that I'm married to someone who has absolutely no trouble naming fifty different hunky men.

Number 50 is:

Dave Annabele.

You Don't Know Him Without You Have: Um. I'm not sure. When Sweetie named him, I asked where he's from, but instead of saying Law & Order, (as I expect, by now), she began to mumble something about Brothers & Sisters, which she quickly finished by pointing out that she's never watched the show Brothers & Sisters. I believe her, because (a) nobody has ever watched the show Brothers & Sisters, and (b) Sweetie only watched Law & Order-related shows, except for when she begins watching a true-crime investigation show about that one guy who got pushed off a boat by "someone"* (*his wife) while on their honeymoon, a show that I then start watching, only to doze off while watching it because it was after 8 p.m., so that the next day, when I get up and ask if she knew how it ended, whether his wife really did it* (*yes), she says "I don't know, I fell asleep," and then I say:

"Well, at least it taped," but Sweetie says that no, it didn't tape and I'll never know how it ends, unless I were to go Google it or something, but I can't do that, for two reasons. First, if I Google something like husband killed by wife on honeymoon cruise, I'm going to cement myself further into that list you know the government has of people who do weird Google searches, and second, once I've started watching something on TV, I don't want to read about it. That seems too much like work. TV isn't supposed to be work. TV is supposed to seep into your brain while you lie there motionless, the way the sun does when you tan and the way leftover pizza does when it exists.

Since Sweetie won't admit how she knows who Dave Annabele is,

It's this guy, remember? The guy you've never
seen on TV

...and since I assume every celebrity is Tom Selleck, I'll look him up. Wait here...

Enjoy this optical illusion as you wait...
Courtesy of Mighty Optical Illusions,
and as suggested by Petri Dish.

...Ok. It seems that Dave Annabele has made a career out of shows that nobody watches. He's been in Brothers & Sisters, and Third Watch (a/k/a ER but with more explosions) and something called Reunion. Which means about three people have seen Dave Annabele act in his career. It won't be long, I'm sure, before he appears on other shows nobody watches, like Ugly Betty and Thirty Rock.

The bottom line is you don't know Dave Annabele. Which doesn't explain how Sweetie knows him. I'd go ask her again, but that seems like too much work, too.

Instead, I Googled "How does Sweetie know Dave Annabele," which made me wonder: Should I capitalize Google when I use it as a verb? And which also led me to find out that Dave Annabele once made Sweet Potato Fries with Martha Stewart, which led me to take a stand, here and now, and say this:

Will everyone please quit trying to make healthy snacks?

There are snacks, and there are healthy foods, and the twain shall not meet. I am fed up (ha!)(Pun intended!) with people trying to make me like healthy foods by making them look like snacks. A sweet potato is neither sweet nor a potato nor edible, and it should not be a french fry. You can't make something good or edible by renaming it (except the sea bass, which used to be the Patagonian Toothfish and which used to look like this:

Not Dave Annabele. Don't freak out, ladies. And yet,
the "Patagonian Toothfish Variety Hour" draws
more viewers than all of Dave's shows combined.

But which was renamed the Chilean Sea Bass and now generates massive amounts of money spent on it by people who would be called Yuppies if anyone was still ever called a yuppie anymore.)

Other than that, you can't rename a food and think it'll be better, and you can't take a gross food like a yam and french fry it and make it a snack. No matter how much you deep fry, roll in sugar, sprinkle with candy and chocolate coat a piece of broccoli, it's still disgusting. So you people who want to eat healthy foods, just go do it and be miserable, and leave me alone with my Funyuns.

Dave Annabele, by joining Martha Stewart's unholy crusade, you're part of the problem.

Thing That Makes You Go Hmmm About Him: I'm still kind of wondering how it is that Sweetie even knows him. She's downstairs now, so let me go ask her. Wait here...

Here's another one to bide your time with -- another
Petri/Mighty Optical Illusions Team-up!

... Okay. Here's the conversation we had:

Me: How is it that you know Dave Annabelle, again?

Sweetie: From my magazines.

Me: And what was he in there for?

Sweetie: For Brothers & Sisters, but I never watch that show. (See!) Why?

Me: And how did you notice him then?

Sweetie: Because I thought he was cute.

Me: For how long?

Sweetie: For always. Why? What am I missing?

That last little line really hits home, doesn't it: there's some big secret about Dave Annabele that Sweetie's not telling me. I bet he was once married to a Patagonian Toothfish. Or Martha Stewart. (Same difference.)

Googling What's the big deep dark secret about Dave Annabele leads to

...nothing. You'd think that by now Google would have a special vault of all our deepest, darkest secrets, one that's easily searchable. At least, I thought that. I'm a little disappointed. (And relieved.)

Reason I Thought Sweetie Liked Him: When I sat down and saw his picture, I thought to myself That guy looks like a cross between Shia LeBeouf and what's-his-name, the guy I hated in Reality Bites who then wrote some lame whiny novel, oh, yeah, Ethan Hawke. (That's an exact mental quote, there.) I couldn't figure out why Sweetie would like anyone who looks a little like Ethan Hawke, until I remembered that it's me that doesn't like Ethan Hawke. I'm not sure how Sweetie feels about Ethan Hawke. Sometimes I think she says she doesn't like him just to humor me, but I'm pretty sure her heart's not in it.

In fact, now that I think of it, I wonder if maybe Sweetie doesn't like Dave Annabele a little because he looks a bit like Ethan Hawke. That's probably it. Sneaky Sweetie.

Actual Reason Sweetie Likes Him: "It's his face. It's all scruffy. You can picture him rubbing it all over you."

Point I'd Like To Make About Sweetie's Actual Reason For Liking Him: What? Sweetie, you can not picture him doing that. What's going on around here?

Also, if Dave Annabele is appearing in Sweetie's scruff-rubbing fantasies, that makes four people that have seen his work.

This image courtesy of Sweetie's dreams.

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