Saturday, March 13, 2010

It's the first-ever SUPERHUNK! (Sweetie's Hunk of the Week, 53)

When I first asked Sweetie about this week's Hunk, I accidentally called him a SuperHunk. But it turns out that he
IS. You'll see why.

Today's hunk -- hunk 53 but the first SuperHunk -- is Linus Roache:

No, wait, that's not right. Let me try again: Linus Roache!

You Don't Know Him Without You Have: Seen Law & Order. That's one of the first -- but not the best -- things that makes Linus...

I'll try to stop doing that, but it's funny.

To me.

Being on Law & Order -- not guest-starring or anything like that, actually being on the show as a regular, is the first thing that makes Linus Roache:

There. See? I said I'd stop doing this:

And I'll really try.

Being on Law & Order makes Linus Roache the first-ever SuperHunk, because, as I explained in one of these not long ago, Law & Order is actually our society's universal clock, counting down to the end of time, when our existence will come to an end. Forget the Mayans and their broken-pyramid thing or whatever everyone's talking about in 2012 (which is actually going to happen in 2011 because there was no year zero): The Law & Order Clock is what actually determines the length of human existence: Once every person everywhere has appeared in an episode of Law & Order, our existence will come to an end, and the squirrels will get their chance.

Beware! Their time is coming!

Which means two things for you: First, that the existence of many different versions of all the Law & Orders means that the end of the universe is approaching faster than ever as more and more people appear on more and more Law & Orders, and second, that Linus Roache:

Sorry. I know I promised to stop, but I'm not going to miss a chance to suck up to the future rulers of the Universe?

Anyway, the second thing is that being in Law & Order makes Linus Roache one of the Secret Overlords of the Universe -- a position that I just now revealed/made-up, one of the people who helps determine when the Universe will end. Yes, Linus Roache:

(Gotcha! You thought I was going to do this:

Or this:

But I didn't! I did this:

I have completely forgotten where I was. And I'm pretty sure that pirate isn't actually a squirrel. I think it's a woodchuck. How'd they get involved in this?

Let's move on.

Thing That Makes You Go Hmmmm About Him: Aside from his position as Secret Overlord of The Universe... oh, yeah. That's what I was talking about... aside from that position, Linus Roache:

(See? I'm done with the jokey pictures.)

Linus Roache has other remarkable things about him, things that make him the first-ever SuperHunk.

Probably. But I can't imagine what they are, and his biographies are very limited. There's not much information about him out there. It seems as though the only truly remarkable thing that Linus Roache:

Has ever done is be on Law & Order -- But a hidden anonymous history is about what you'd expect, from a guy who is secretly helping determine just how much time humanity has left, isn't it? The guys in the Star Chamber never publicize themselves much. Linus is probably already on the squirrels' payroll.

He certainly isn't supporting himself on what he earned in such roles as "Samuel Taylor Coleridge," playing a poet most famous for not actually finishing the poem he wrote.

How's that for a career to shoot for? I'd like to have a job doing something where, say, I never actually complete the thing I was supposed to do but nevertheless have my name live on forever... is there any career other than poet where that's possible?

Not in bridge-building, that's for sure. Or maybe it would.

This is Samuel Taylor Coleridge, by the way:

And while he does look a little like a squirrel, he doesn't look a whole lot like Linus Roache:

Which means that if you, or, more importantly, I, had simply had the foresight to set our caps, career-wise, on "Poet Who Doesn't Finish His One Poem," then, without ever having to finish even one thing, you -- or, more importantly, I-- would have been rich (probably) and been, eventually, played in a movie by a SuperHunk:

Reason I Assumed Sweetie Likes Him: This time, I didn't even recognize the hunk... excuse me... SuperHunk... even though, as the star of Law & Order he's on our TV screen 23.2 hours a day, and frequently (probably) shows up in Sweetie's dreams... something I'm not jealous about because of the...

Actual Reason Sweetie Likes Him: "Because he's smart and sexy... and he reminds me of you!"

THAT is why he's a SuperHunk. Linus Roache:

Reminds Sweetie of me:

You can totally see the resemblance. Which means that while Samuel Taylor Coleridge gets to have Linus Roache play him in movies, Linus Roache gets to have me play him in...

... um. Well, I'm not going to finish that. You get the point: Linus Roache is a SuperHunk because he's like me, or I'm like a SuperHunk-- it doesn't matter who's first (I am.)

And I'm pretty sure Sweetie's not just saying that to butter me up or anything, because it's not even payday and I'd already planned to give her a day off from Mr F and Mr Bunches by taking them somewhere.

So, the...

Point I'd Like To Make About Sweetie's Actual Reason For Liking Him is that Sweetie is awesome. Or drunk. But I'm going to go with awesome.

And also, there is a shortage of photos of Linus Roache shirtless. While you can find lots of this:

You can't find anything with him shirtless. So to finish up this post, you'll have to settle for this:

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