Sunday, March 01, 2009

Jenkins Smedley Reboot 3: Don't Fire The Fax Pig!

Previously on Smedley Jenkins Reboot...

Voice Over: Do you really need a recap? If you're watching this, then you probably watch this show obsessively and also read blogs about it and watch the "web-isodes" online, and I'm betting that you have a t-shirt that makes some cryptic reference to the show. So how can you not remember what happened previously?

Viewer: [LOOKS DOWN AT SHIRT, WHICH SAYS "Don't Fire The Fax Pig!".] Um.

Tonight, on Jenkins Smedley Reboot:

Jenkins: [walks into a dimly lit room wherein a bunch of people are gathered around a blanket-shrouded body-shaped object.] What's going on here? Is this an autopsy?

Coroner: Shh. I'm about to make the first incision.

Jenkins: Who am I going to disturb? The dead guy? Your concentration? Because how much concentration does it take to cut open a dead guy?

Coroner: It's not my concentration; it's the cameraman's. Do you have any idea how hard it is to swoop into someone's open chest cavity and then get right inside a vein? We do that all in one take.

Jenkins: I thought those were just special effects.

Coroner: [Laughs] And I bet you thought Nicole Kidman was a real person, too.

Jenkins: She's not?

Crewman in room: Sir, you're putting us on, right? Even stranded on an island traveling through space running from a group of paranormal-powered individuals who may or may not be trying to save the world...

Jenkins: That seems to be wrong, for some reason...

Crewman: ... even with all that, you can't have forgotten the Nicole Kidman rebellion of 2147, when all the Kidmanbots developed sentience and rebelled, attempting to set up a democracy in the United States and overthrow the Obamans who had stayed in power for over a century?

Jenkins: Is this a political parody, now? Because I'm sort of uncomfortable with political jokes thrown in for no real reason whatsoever. Plus, I think you're kidding me about this.

Coroner: Kidding, am I? Look at this! [he throws back the sheet and reveals a Nicole Kidman robot lying on the table. Jenkins leans forward and bumps into the cameraman, who has zoomed in for a close-up.]

Cameraman: Watch it, will you?

Jenkins: [rubbing head] Why is she here?

Coroner: Remember how for a while it was really a big thing to have celebrities be the corpses on those crime shows?

Jenkins: Yeah...

Coroner: And remember how the Kidmanbots were always about 10 years behind the curve in terms of pop culture?

Jenkins: Sure. But, well, why are you cutting her up?

Coroner: Dismantling. You don't cut up a robot.

Jenkins: Is there a chance you'll answer my question?

Coroner: I have to dismantle her. Our Internet server is down and we need to get it back up and running. Instead of continuing to go with some cut-rate outfit, we've opted to simply build our own server, showing the kind of can-do pioneering spirit that is best exemplified by people carving a civilization out of nothing while stranded on a mysterious island and also simultaneously trying to figure out the secrets behind a band of "Others" who may or may not be from a shady corporation.

Jenkins: If we show that kind of can-do spirit, we'll likely be doing it while also being deposed in a copyright infringement lawsuit.

Coroner: In that case, we're showing the kind of can-do spirit that can best be shown by making the complex equipment needed to set up a web hosting site out of spare parts previously contained in our special Sweeps-month guest star Nicole Kidman.

Jenkins: I need a drink. Where is my special futuristic glass that is triangular instead of round for no good reason?

Coroner: Over there on top of that stack of papers that have all the corners cut off for no good reason.

* * * * * * *
There's an easier way to get web hosting; you don't have to dismantle your Kidmanbot and you don't have to go with cutrate providers that will hurt your business more than help it. Instead, choose your web hosting the way the pros do: by going to a site that lets you do a quick, side-by-side comparison of all the web hosting options there are out there. has an easy-to-read, in-depth chart that lets you make short work of the job of selecting a web host: look at the prices, disk-space, features, and other options that come with each provider, and then make your selection. Then, when you find one you like, you can click right on through to it. It's easier than a Kidmanbot Autopsy.

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