Monday, September 21, 2009

1001 Ways To Tune Up The World, Number Forty

40. Allow gay marriage.

Because, what does it matter to you if two people get married?

The desire to marry, to proclaim that you love the other person and hope to remain together forever, is one of the highest expressions of human emotions. But many countries routinely deny a great many people the chance to optimistically throw their lives together.

Sure, if gays and lesbians are allowed to marry, some of those marriages won't work out. If "likely not to work out" is your criteria for denying people the right to marry, divorcees and celebrities would not be allowed to marry, either.

Yes, there's no chance that a gay or lesbian couple could have a baby without scientific or legal intervention. But we don't have fertility tests before heterosexual couples are allowed to marry.

And, as for that old trope, the "slippery slope" argument, I don't buy it. Society knows where to stop. I've never bought the "slippery slope," the idea that once you do a, you'll naturally have to b, c, d, and on beyond zebra. The "slippery slope" argument suggests that society is full of morons who can't distinguish between "too far" and "just right."

Prior entries:

13. Ban driving any kind of automobile, motorcycle or other personal vehicle within 1-2 miles of downtown in any city with a population of more than 100,000.

12. Abolish gym class; instead, teach kids to play musical instruments.

11. Change copyright laws to allow anyone to use anyone else's creative work provided that the copier pay 60% of the profit to the originator and that the copier not cast the original work in a negative light.

10. Have more sidewalk cafes and outdoor seating.

9. When you have to give someone a gift, ask them what they want, and then get that thing for them.

8. Never interrupt or finish someone's jokes.

7. Periodically, give up something you like for at least a month.

6. Switch to "E-money."

5. Have each person assigned one phone number, and then add an extension for the various phones and faxes that person might be reached at.

4. Abolish Mondays and Tuesdays.

3. Don't listen to interviews with athletes or comedians.

2. Have "personal cashiers" at the grocery store.

1. Don't earn more than $200,000 per year.


Petri Dish said...

What's the gay marriage slippery slope? Human-zebra marriages? I bet that's what you meant. When the human and zebra get married the gazelles will start with 4 legged bias argument. Next thing you know, there'll be inter-species marriages all around and people will gripe about not being able to get married to their animal figurines. Boy, it is a slippery slope but I think it might be worth it. Scientific studies conducted(in my head) prove that gay couples are just as cute or possible cuter than kittens and puppies cuddling under a big gay rainbow.
Plus it's been a while since I've read any kinky animal-human sexidents.

lisapepin said...

I love this one! I think your 1001 Ways to Tune Up the World" would make an excellent little book, much better than that "Chicken Soup for the Soul" series.

Briane P said...

Petri: Despite my otherwise liberal views, I come down firmly against zebra-gazelle marriages. They just never work out, and I hate to see latchkey gazebras in broken homes.

Lisa: March into your local bookstore and say "I demand that you contact all the publishers you know and tell them to offer a contract to this author, Briane Pagel [point to the Internet, which you've brought along] for his "1001 Ways" ideas."

Then, when they respond in French, say "Also, I demand that you learn to speak English!"

Then point to the Internet again.

Petri Dish said...

Why don't they work out? Is it the stripes and gracefulness thing? Always arguing about who's hotter ("Oh yeah, well stripes make you look fat")or more graceful ("Gazelle? More like Gaz-earl. Cuz you walk like a man(centaur)!").