Tuesday, July 21, 2009

If I take care of this, I'll only have another 455 faults to make up for.

I have a confession to make. I'm a lousy husband when it comes to backrubs.

Part of the deal with marriage, right, is access to backrubs. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that's about 96% of the deal with marriage: "Love, honor, obey, and give backrubs, at least from time to time."

And Sweetie holds up her end of the deal. She gives me backrubs from time to time and I appreciate it.

But I'm terrible about reciprocating. Whenever it's my turn to give Sweetie a backrub, I turn into Public Backrub Enemy Number 1.

Now, part of that is Sweetie's fault, in that she'll set herself up so that it's uncomfortable to rub her back. She doesn't just lean over or lie on her stomach and let me rub her back; she'll have to sit next to me, but a little behind me, and kind of off to the side, and at an angle where the sun is shining, so that in order to give her a backrub I have to kind of twist upside-down and backwards and squint and also, for some reason, hop on one foot.

But that's not the whole problem. The whole problem is that I'm just not a backrub giver. About 3 seconds into it, I'm tired and want my own backrub and also I get distracted and I end up sort of just rubbing the same area of her spine over and over.

But I at least have the honesty to admit it, and the courage to feel bad about it. And, now, the opportunity to do something about my failings, thanks to the new Human Touch Massage Chairs I found out about.

HumanTouch has created these super-advanced robotic massage chairs that emulate and improve on techniques used by therapists, chiropractors and physicians. With decades of experiences in the field, Human Touch engineers have come up with futuristic, incredibly advances systems that replace and improve on professional human massages.

These chairs roll, compress, push, knead and otherwise mimic, perfectly, an actual massage and they do it over the full body: neck to foot with three-dimensional movements and different programs to vary the intensity and the area and techniques.

They even do calf massages -- and that's a tough one to do. When Sweetie wants her calves massaged, I have to kind of hang from the ceiling on a trapeze while humming Inna Gadda Da Vida. But the chairs will do it with no trouble.

So I may be a lousy husband in the backrub department, but I can be a great husband in the getting-Sweetie-an-incredible-massaging chair department. If I can figure out where she hid the credit cards this time.

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