Saturday, August 01, 2009
Sweetie's Hunk Of The Week Settles An Age-Old Debate (Sweetie's Hunk of the Week, 26)
Sweetie's Hunk of the Week is: Tom Cavanagh, or, as he will be known in the future, "The Guy Who Finally Proved That Women Are Liars."
You/Sweetie Know Him As: Probably "Ed," the funny lawyer who also ran a bowling alley and engaged in humorous bets with his friend Mike. While Tom's had a lot of roles in shows, Ed is the one that had the greatest success. The others have not done so well, even though they were creative and funny and well-written and got critical acclaim. You know why that is? Why they haven't done so well? It's a secret, and but one I'll reveal in a moment.
I know him as: Ed. That was the only legal show I could ever watch -- because it didn't pretend, in any way, to be based in reality. At least, I could watch it until it got moved around the schedule and then they all went to live in New York and I sort of lost touch with it and moved on. But I did watch it, and I watched it because it was funny. I tried to watch Tom's other shows, too, like Love Monkey (canceled) and Trust Me (taped but not watched because I tried to focus on finishing up Lost season 3) and anything else I saw him in. But that's because I'm a fan from way back, and not, as women are, sneakily telling guys one thing but actually believing another.
Thing That Makes You Go Hmmmm About Him: Why aren't his shows more popular? They're funny. He's likable. They're unique. He's quirky. What could it be? What could be the problem here? Is there something that I, and society, are missing?
Reason I Tell Myself Sweetie Likes Him: Because he's funny and quirky and likeable. What's not to like? I assume that Sweetie appreciates funny/quirky/likeable. Personality counts, right?
Actual Reason Sweetie Likes Him: "Because he's just so funny." So, Sweetie and I were on the same page. Personality counts! Hooray for personality! Women love funny quirky likeable guys. That's what's important to them, just like they always say.
Point I'd Like To Make About Sweetie's Reason For Liking Him: Wait a minute... let me check something here.
Actual number of shows starring Tom Cavanagh that Sweetie has watched: 1
Actual number of shows starring Tom Cavanagh that Sweetie has watched,
which I didn't make her watch because I was watching them: 0
Actual number of times Sweetie has watched reruns of an episode of some show that merely has a hunky actor like Josh Stewart or that other guy or the one with the hair, this week? 3.
So I did a little math here, used a little science, and here's what I've concluded: Women don't like funny and quirky at all! They can't. If they did, then Tom Cavanagh would be sitting on top of the world, because he's like the king of funny and quirky. Tom Cavanagh, if what women everywhere constantly say is true, would be hosting the Oscars while Hugh Jackman would be hiring teenagers to work at the McDonald's franchise his father-in-law bought.
But that's not happening, is it? Instead, Tom Cavanagh is in some tv series on some channel, maybe, if it's still on, even, and Chris Hardwick is on a cable clip show, and Andy Samberg has to work late every weekend -- while Will Smith is in movie after movie and Jason Patric just got into a movie and Christopher Meloni gets paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to make the same exact show every week, and meanwhile Dane Cook and Ryan Reynolds had to get all pumped up and abs-y just to get mentioned as Hunks...
So I'm sorry, women, you are busted. Sweetie's slip-up here has thrown open the worldwide conspiracy of untruth that is women's claims that "funny" is important. Funny is obviously not as important as abs, and I've got one final additional bit of proof to throw at you to prove it:
The other night, Sweetie had me sing the song Magic Bus by The Who for her, to prove that it was an actual song that I knew.
But while she had me do that, she also had me flex my biceps.
Busted! Sorry, Tom Cavanagh. You may be funny and quirky and a Hunk of the Week, but unless you get working on that abdomenizer, you'll never rise to the top among women. But I will at least watch your shows. Or I'll intend to watch them but then will get distracted. (Singing:) I just ride my magic bus...